Part TWO- What I have learned th​e last three years of Marriage

Welcome back! This is going to be a three-part series, and this is Part Two! If you haven’t read Part One, you’ll see it pop up if you scroll down just a bit!

If you haven’t already, and you like what you’re reading, I would love it if you subscribed to the blog! Drop your email address in the box to the right (or at the bottom if you’re on your phone) to subscribe to the blog! After that, you’ll receive an email each time I put out a new post! I am thinking every Friday! You’ll only get an email when there is a new post, so don’t worry about getting a bunch of stuff cramming your inbox!

So, last week I talked about how I used to really struggle with communication and near the bottom, I shared a tool that Ian and I use when I am not ready to talk about something. Even if you aren’t in a relationship, check it out because we all struggle with communication!

For Part Two I want to piggyback on my last post a little. There are a few REALLY good books I’ve read in the last two years that have helped me so much in becoming a better wife. I’ll talk more about those in Part Three, but here is one piece!

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received:Fight like friends first and spouses second.

I don’t know about you, but the moment I heard that it clicked.

Even if you’re not married, picture this… 

You’re totally annoyed that your loved one (parent, sibling, spouse) is doing exactly what gets right under your skin. You wait to see if they get a clue, only to find yourself more annoyed. You bring it to their attention, but you’re rather curt and this becomes a big argument.

Ok, now picture your best girlfriend or buddy doing this super annoying thing that gets under your skin… I hope you’re picturing what I am. More grace, love and probably some humor are thrown into this conversation to work things out. I don’t know about you but a “fight” with my best girlfriend looks totally different than with a family member. It’s just different.

I think because we know our family has to live with us whether we are loving and kind to them or not, opens the door for disrespect. We go from being our “best self” with our friends to “well this is what you get, deal with it” with our families.

Your spouse is not your family member, I mean they are, but they don’t HAVE to choose you every day. That is ideal, but truly they don’t have to. Divorcing a family member is not the same as a spouse. You committed to choosing THEM every day, unlike a sibling or parent, therefore we really need to make sure we are acting like it.

I am so very grateful for Ian’s consistent and deep love for me. He didn’t know it, but he was setting a great example for me the whole time.

We are setting an example for what is ok and not ok for how others can treat us, in the way we are treating them. All along, Ian was silently encouraging me and setting an example for how he needed to be treated, simply by how he was treating me. Kindly, patiently and respectfully.

I hate to admit it, but when Ian and I used to get in an argument or even just discussion, I would not always treat him like my best friend. I don’t want to do this to Ian, and I surely wouldn’t want him to think like that towards me! My intentions were not to be mean or disrespectful. I didn’t realize how I was treating him wasn’t ok until after I heard this quote and pictured myself in similar conversations with a girlfriend. I cringed, and have apologized to Ian many times.

Maybe you haven’t struggled with this, but for anyone like me, deep down it’s something we don’t want to be doing. I want to encourage you to step back next time your boiling pot is about to spill over. Picture your family member, especially your spouse, as your best friend. I can almost guarantee it will go much smoother for both of you.

Your actions are speaking a lot louder than you may realize.

If this is something you struggle with and are having a hard time getting out of the habit of, talk to your significant other. Apologize first for how you’ve been acting. Then, ask them to help keep you accountable and use the tool I talked about in Part ONE.

I don’t write about this because of how great I am at it. Truly, this is stuff I am working on every day and share it with you in hopes it will help. Just today I had to take my own advice.

This might be really overwhelming at first, and I know it can feel like your heart might get trampled having it out there. But you’re not going to grow as a person, or a wife by staying comfortable. So #doitscared and commit to doing hard things! You can do it, I promise.

I would love to hear some of your stories or pieces of advice that you received in your early or recent years of marriage!

Until then, I’ll see you here next Friday for Part Three! -H